Why can't people be more like cats? Cats are more open with emotions. If they get pissed off they do something about it. If they need attention they make it clear. Cats are just so much easier to deal with because you don't have to worry about how they react to your actions. You can reach out and pet a kitty cat and not worry that they're going to freak out about it. With humans you have to be careful with your every thought and action. You say something wrong and you could estrange yourself from someone. You try to get close and half the time you get pushed away. I would know because I am one of those people who pushes others away. I'm terrified of offending others or offending them in some way. I constantly think about how quickly they might come to dislike me for being myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am just because I'm so controlled by my anxieties. With cats though I don't have to worry about any of that. They won't judge me, I know. I can be whoever i want to be around them and they remain completely chill, weather I'm dancing around like an idiot, singing my head off, or curling up by myself in the dark. I know it sounds weird but I can reach out to them in ways that I don't think I will ever be able to with humans. Maybe I'm strange, but I think that some human behaviors are even more strange. *shrugs* ^_^;;

I haven't cried for probably 4 or 5 months, which was probably a record for me. Who knows. Tonight I finally cried again though. I was starting to wonder if I still could cry. It was about time. My Great Grandma died last month on March 7th. She was 104. I didn't know her as well as I should have. I barely saw her in December because I wanted to go to DC, instead of sticking around at the farm. I don't know why but for some reason it didn't occur to me that maybe DC could wait for later and I should spend some time with my Nanny. I recently found out that my Dad's mom, my mom-mom has less than 2 years left to live probably. Which is both good and bad. Her life has deteriorated so much that I can't imagine living in her situation. But I'm sure it will hit my Dad hard. He's been so lonely lately. I can't wait to be able to provide him some company when I get home this summer. He definitely needs it. I realized that a person who used to be one of the most important people in my life is as good as dead to me now. Only I can't let go. I want to believe that all people have some good in them, but this one just doesn't. But they won't go away. I've been trying to focus on school instead of life, but it's not working too well since I do my school work and then I'm alone again. I'm realizing how fake people are. My friends are just as bad as the rest of humanity. And I'm certainly no angel myself. I always try to be the good one or the nice one. Whatever you want to call it. I try to encourage people for the most part, but very few of them know what I'm thinking in my head. I don't know what to do.

So these are just some thoughts regarding some of my closest friends. I've been feeling way too anxious about my friendships lately because a few of them are falling apart/growing apart and it makes me uneasy. I guess this is just my way of releasing some of that angst? Anyway feel free to read and comment if you like!

I wish we were better friends. For the longest time we kept a wall up between us but recently we started to get really close and it made me happy. But now I feel that we are drifting further apart again. I hope I'm wrong.

Right now I trust you more than anyone else. You are always there for me when I need you most. I complain and whine a lot I know, But thank you for listening. I don't think I could retain my sanity without you

We used to be best friends. Then I became stupid and naïve and lost your friendship. I will always regret my decisions that resulted in you walking away from me. I hope that someday we can be good friends again like when we were kids. I miss you.

I have always undervalued your friendship. You are probably the truest friends I have. I don't think I can think of one time that you have failed me, but I know that I have failed you and let you down many times. Don't give up on me. I DO care and I miss you a lot.

You will never understand me. You won't even ever try to understand me. You aren't even talking to me anymore, yet when you see me you pretend everything is okay. It's not. The cycle just can't keep repeating. I have done everything I can to fix things yet you refuse to even try. Guess I'm not as important to you as you are to me. But then I've known that all along. Maybe its time for the cycle to end. I have never lost a friend for reasons like this before. It's always been more for reasons like moving away and such. I don't think I will ever love any friend as much as I love you, but I also don't think I'll ever hate any friend as much as I hate you. I guess that's what they mean about the fine line between love and hate. You said that you cared, but I can't believe it when you go through so many efforts to alienate and ignore me. It hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I can't deal with it any more.

You are one of the most amazing people I know. I wish you would let me be a better friend to you. I wish I knew what is bothering you so much right now. I feel so helpless. You were always there to listen to me when I needed it, but I can't be there for you. It's frustrating. I'm sorry I'm so worthless to you.

I have always looked up to you. You are funny, and amazing, and really intelligent. You are going through some changes right now and I hope it makes everything better. I'm sorry that I haven't been as loyal a friend as I should have. I'm sorry I can't tell you the truth. I'm so terrified that if I did you would hate me forever. I'm just happy that we can be friends again.

I feel really shitty that I've let our friendship weaken just because you are a little bit further away than you used to be. When it comes to distance, I'm probably the worst person ever to deal with it. Some how I always let it get in the way. Even if we don't talk often anymore and we are separated by a state or two you are still as dear to me as ever. I hope you know that.

I think I like you. A lot. But then I'm not sure if its you I like or the idea of you that I like. You are one of the first people that ever put time aside and focused your attention on me. It's a nice feeling. I don't need that much attention but every once in a while to just have someone put a couple hours aside and simply just sit in silence, with no obligation to think of conversation or anything, but just sit with another human being. It's nice. I don't think I will ever be good enough for you though. I wish that I could be, or that I could even believe that I could be but I don't think that you will never look at me like that. Still, thank you. I will treasure the memories that you have given me.

You are probably the most fun person I know. Lately you've been feeling anxious. I hope that I get the chance to talk to you about that because you have always been there for me and I want to be there for you. You have so many hopes and dreams that you hope to accomplish and yet life keeps you from them. I hope that someday, soon, you can realize the dreams that are so important to you.

You are like a little brother to me. You are growing up so quickly. But I know that you'll continue to make good choices, and I'm looking forward to seeing the incredible person you become in the future.

I wish you were happier. Plain and simple. You deserve it more than anyone I know. The world keeps pushing you down to your knees but you always get right back up. Someday all the problems you are facing now will be in the past and seem so distant and you will be so happy. I know it.

So, I think males are the most confusing species ever! Some friends and I watched a movie Friday night which was really fun (The Frighteners). Gotta love the comedy-horror genre. So anyways. Cameron (this one friend who's a friend of a friend) came and force fed me popcorn which was awkward. Then we went to the convenience store and got snacks afterwards and he kept hitting on on of my roommates, Lizzie, who has a boyfriend. Then we went and walked around on the ave and greek row and stuff which was fun (and he kept hitting on her). Then we came back to the dorm and hung out in the lounge and eventually everyone but Lizzie and Cameron headed on to bed. So the next day he asked me to tell him if she said anything (which she didn't) and I said okay. So today breezy asked lizzie and she said she just was trying to make friends with him, which considering she didn't make any advances is totally true. And eventually I told Cameron this which pissed him off and he basically was upset that she didn't tell him that she had a boyfriend (which he never even asked). Then he got mad at me. and then forgave me. and then started telling me about how he went on a date with the love of his life today. and how it was their first date and on the next one he wants to tell her that he's in love with her (URK!!!). Of course we all advised him not to do that... haha. for obvious reasons. but, uh, he didn't get it. but oh well. Best of luck to him. I hope it all works out. Oh!and secondly. My friends boyfriend showed up... sort of. Apparently he's avoiding her. which she found out by having a friend call and pretending to be his manager. She found out that he's just fine (if not a complete asshole). Now she's trying to make up excuses for him. Personally, that kind of behavior is inexcusable to me and if I ever see him I will probably rip his head off. Males are insane.

If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine ... you're on my list, so I want to know you better!

Comment here and repost a blank one on your own journal.


01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Your result for The Chess Mess Test...

The Queen's Confidante

Take The Chess Mess Test at HelloQuizzy

Time for another post! I'm at the two weeks left point of summer quarter here at UW so I'm counting down the days and considering whether I want to start studying for my finals yet. Techically only one official final since Dance is a performance and english is a portfolio. I'm really looking forward to going home for a little bit. If it weren't for my conscious I would definitely quit my job, but I think Barbara would probably be very upset if I did that. But really I want to take off for a little bit; hit California up on a road trip or something. I'm finishing off my last paper for english tonight and then comes the hard part -- the editing and revising of a majority of my crappy papers. We'll see how that goes. If i want to get a 3.5 or higher I think I better work my butt off on my final drafts :( Oh and of course I have to write a cover letter :P which is going to probably be the longest of all the things i've had to write thus far. I've made it my goal to find a cheap apartment and move into it by next spring which probably means I will be finding a job somewhere up here in seattle once the 2008-2009 school year begins. That also means that I may not be back in Olympia next summer if things work out the way I hope them to.

to scream? I can't wait to go home and be done with stupid summer school. Classes are going fine, but I need my friends. I need to just have some time to sit and have some fun. But these thoughts make me feel really childish. Once I graduate and get a job (if I can find a job) there won't be "breaks" anymore. Friends will have a totally different meaning. Its not all that far away really. I'll be a junior starting in January and I don't even know what I want to major in. Nothing interests me. I can't do anything. I can't even help my friends. I have to find other people to do that. I wish I could just disappear for a week and not have to think about anything.
Speaking of disappearing, I just started watching Heroes. Pretty good show. I'd recommend it to anyone.
I'm kind of pissed off too. I've been working out for two hours a day for the past 3 or so weeks and still nothing. I hardly feel any different. you'd think i would have lost at least a couple pounds but no. it's infuriating.
I don't think any of my friends are very happy at this point in their lives. Everyone seems to have problems. Is the 18-19-20 age group just extremely mid-life crisis prone?
God I need to stop eating so much food...

I don't think one of my friendships can keep going the way it is... I mean I'm all up for honesty and openness but there's a boundary. I do not want to know about personal sexual urges... especially ones that involve "squeezing" *shudders*. Really. I like to know about my friends and what they're going through but please, leave your sexual life out of the mix? I don't know how to handle a friendship that makes me so uncomfortable. But at the same time, I just can't walk out of it. And I don't think I want to. Not yet anyways. But maybe soon. Not too far from now I will be able to do it without feeling guilty.

PS! I have a freakin' midterm tomorrow! AND it's worth 45% of my grade! And I'm so not ready for it yet. ;_;

I miss Becca, and Erin, and Amanda, and the good old days. In fact I miss them so much that I kinda lose it when I run into things that remind me of them. I ran into Dawson Morris today and it brought back so many memories that I completely forgot I was standing in a checkout line and needed to put my cart goods up on the... thingy. they conveyor belt like thing. So, yeah. Memories = embarrassment as I suddenly remember when I notice the full cart and empty belt in front of me. I want to go home again. I want to visit all my friends. the friends that aren't awkward. And I kind of want to work, but I'm sad that my Dryte won't be there anymore. I want to be myself again. Becca, you need to come home to Tumwater so I can see you everyday again ;_; pwetty pwease?

So Thursday night I'm chatting with my friend Amanda (not Taylor, sorry Amanda!) and she mentions that she and my other friend (her boyfriend, Josh) are coming up from Tumwater on Friday to see Apocalyptica at El Corazon. I'm all like, "cool, never heard of them." Of course she decides to invite me and I'm like, "how much is it?" "20 dollars," she replies. oooh... 20 dollars huh? I'm thinking... I could buy a lot of stuff with 20 dollars... but I really want to see Amanda and Josh, but I probably won't even like this rock band, and I don't like large crowds... Well after contemplating all this over a span of about 30 seconds I reply, "okay! I'd love to go." My love for my friends apparently wins over my love for money in this case. So anyways, she tells me to call Josh to get the details because he's driving and everything. So I call him and he basically tells me he'll call me tomorrow when they get up to Seattle and I'm like... Okay... So Friday comes and I get out of class at 2:20 and still no call. So I go back to my room and finally around 5ish he calls and says, "hey guess what the concerts sold out." And i'm like "...darn." and he says "but we're going to see if we can get tickets anyways and wait around here." So half an hour later he calls and tells me he got tickets and tells me I can head over whenever. My thoughts? "better get dressed then." So I straighten my hair and put on a black corset and cute little grey skirt and tights and boots and do my makeup and all that fun stuff. Then I look up how to get there and I'm like "hey, the 66. That's easy enough I ride that to northgate all the time!" So I trudge on out into the freezing weather (it was hailing and snowing and crap) and walk over to the road that the 66 travels, but problem! it's one way and I want to go the opposite direction. So, I look at my directions and realize that I need to be on 40th and Eastlake, but I'm on 41st and Eastlake. just a bit of a problem. So I trudge down the road and realize when I see a sign for 42nd that I'm going the wrong way so I walk the other way. i get back to 41st and keep going but there's no 40th!!! So I walk in circles for about 15 minutes and by this time I'm completely soaked because I don't have a hood or umbrella. so I'm frustrated at this point because before I got soaked my hair looked REALLY good. So in my frustration I figure, "Well it's on Eastlake so I'll just walk there!" I'm always full of great ideas : ) haha. Of course I could have called Josh or just taken the 71, 72, or 73, but no... I'm stubborn. so I walk for about an hour and Josh calls me like "where the hell are you?" and I'm all like, "couldn't find the bus stop so I'm walking." and he's like "WTF?!" lol. So after walking for about 4.5 miles in platform boots I look like shit and my feet hurt (not to mention I've gotten quite a few interesting looks due to my appearance :) but it was okay because I had mace xD ) but I finally get to El Corazon around 7:40ish. Josh and Amanda are both freezing and they're all like "you're in a mini skirt and a corset and platform boots and you walked all the way here!!! Are you crazy! You must be freezing!" In all honestly I was actually quite warm after walking over 4 miles and prooved it to them by grabbing their frozen corpse like hands with my warm ones. Of course once I started standing still I started to freeze until they let us into the bar around 8. Anyways, the concert was supposed to start at 9 although it didn't start until at least 9:30... but in the meantime we got front row seats since Josh and Amanda had been waiting in line since 4:30 xD ah! and the security took my mace away from me when we came in. But while we're standing waiting for the concert to start this really loud annoying stupid high school goth girl comes over and starts talking to us. she gave me a horrible headache. Not to mention it was really awkward because she looked a lot like Josh's ex-girlfriend Siobhan (all of us thought so.) Anyways, to keep ourselves sane we made fun of her since it was so loud she couldn't hear us anyways. Amanda told me I should hit her on "accident" and knock her out once the moshing started and that she would pay me, although I refused, but I'm pretty sure I would have maced her had they not taken my mace away. At 9:30 the concert finally started and it was AMAZING! Although I had never listened to apocalyptica before they certainly won a place in my heart. It's a rockband made up of 4 cellists and a drummer! No guitars or anything. and the guys were all super hot and I definitely fell in love with Paavo! He was beautiful and super passionate *drools all over self*. and they had a guest singer, Corey taylor, who I didn't know at all, but then I went home and googled him and found out that he's the singer from slipknot and from Stone Sour, both of which I LOVE, and I felt really sad that I didn't stay to get autographs and stuff. But actually there was good reason behind that. Once the concert started it got really scary with moshers and stuff. Being in the front just made it all the more scary, but it was worth it. I almost got hit in the face with a cell bow :D Funny enough that makes me happy! So I had Amanda in front of me and Josh behind me and we were all squished together and stuff it was a little awkward but I'm glad it was them and not people I didn't know. I definitely got a lot closer to them than I ever intended to though xD So towards the end of the concert after the band had come back out for an encore it got really really violent and we were literally getting smothered, especially because this huge bitch started shoving us trying to get to the front even though there was very obviously no room. so I keep checking on Amanda to make sure she's okay and it's quite clear that she's not but it seems like she doesn't really want to leave but at the point where she passed out I started yelling at Josh that she had fainted and he got really scary and carried her out while shoving people aside and I tried to squeeze out behind. This one blond idiot decided he didn't like that Josh had shoved him and looked like he was going to go after him but I was like "FUCK DUDE! STEP OFF! HIS GIRLFRIEND FAINTED!" and he gave me a weird look and backed off. so we get out of the crowd and Josh lays Amanda down on the ground and these guys get her a water bottle and stuff and she starts coming to and chugs half the bottle in about 5 seconds. So we take her outside where it's a lot cooler and she's still swaying and stumbling and stuff. So we decide that we're leaving despite her protests that she wants to meet the band (which would have been too incredible), but we leave anyways and go back to UW. But yeah, basically last night was one of the best nights of my LIFE.

In Petco near the ave.

Molly: OMG! Look at all the dead fish!

Breezy: That's horrible. I mean I haven't fed my fish in a week in a half (thus we were at the pet store) but at least they're not dead.

Molly: Look at that one! It's corpse is riding the current.

~We all pause and stare for a couple minutes to watch the fish ride the waves laughing sadistically the whole time. Petco worker comes over.

Petco employee: Can I help you with something?

Breezy: Ummm, yeah. Just a question... How often do you guys clean the fish tanks and take out the dead fish?

Petco employee: Every day.

Breezy: Really? And how many fish in this tank die everyday?

Petco worker: umm... *shifts around nervously* about 5-6?

Breezy: Really? I guess I need to re-learn how to count then because that certainly doesn't look like 5-6 dead fish to me *points at the 50 or so dead fish in bottom of tank*.

Petco employee: Oh. They aren't dead. They're just... hanging out down there.

Breezy: Ummm, this one's eyes are glazed over...

Petco employee: Oh, yeah, that one's dead.

Breezy: uh-huh. and what about this one *points*.

Petco employee: Oh. He's fine. Here I'll show you. *takes lid off tank and picks up limp fish*. ...Okay. Maybe they are dead...

Breezy: Yeah.

Petco employee: So, are you here just to stir up trouble?

Breezy: *shrugs* I'm just saying...

Brittany, Zak and I: *laughing hysterically in the background while still watching the dead fish riding the current. 



In the convenience store at the 1101.

Breezy: I love food. 

Brittany: Yeah. Me too.

Breezy: It gives me endorphines.

Brittany: and orgasms!

Breezy: what???

Brittany: ...yeah.

Breezy: like really? I've never had one!!!

Brittany: Really? Never?

Breezy: No! What did you eat? 

Brittany: ... are we talking about the same thing here?

EXPLANATION: Brittany was saying that orgasms also give her endorphines, while Breezy interpreted it as her saying that food gave her orgasms. In short they both got very excited because Breezy couldn't believe that there were foods that could result in orgasming while Brittany couldn't believe that Breezy had never orgasmed before. = lots of laughter.

Shortly after 1101 convenience store while walking home.

Brittany: I wish my boobs were bigger. I was really excited when I found out I was up to a B-cup.

Molly: I wish mine were smaller. I'm a B too.

Brittany: Molly! No! Most guys like B-cup sized boobs.

Molly: ...

Brittany: here. I'll show you.

*as we enter Haggett (our dorm) Brittany approaches guy who none of us has ever seen before*

Brittany: (to unknown guy) Ummm, excuse me. Can I ask you a question about breasts?

guy: uhhh... *shifts around awkwardly* okay... i guess...

Brittany: Great! So, about what size of breast do you like?

Guy: Uhhh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable answering that question after all...

Brittany: No. I'm just asking because...

UNFORTUNATELY I DID NOT HEAR THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION AS I WALKED VERY QUICKLY AWAY ONCE I REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN LAUGHING THE WHOLE WAY ALONG WITH BREEZY AND ZAK.